how do i let you go when
by MoLea
Summary: She has to stay. She has to, because if he doesn't belong to her then who does he belong to?


_let you go,_

_let you go, _

_oh, but I can't_

He's going as fast as he can but still he's worried he won't make it in time. And wouldn't that be just what he deserves anyway? His feelings for her aren't new and while his acknowledgment and acceptance of them are, he's still had plenty of time to make them known to her. (He leaves another pleading voicemail, "please call me back, _please_.")

He'd grown complacent, easily slipping into the grooves of their old relationship. Being with Lisbon was always something he thought of in a vague sense. A future he wasn't entirely sure would happen but one he'd like to have, even if he didn't have a plan in place to make it a reality. He'd been afraid of what would happen if he made the gamble and it didn't pay off.

So he'd done nothing.

And then that art theft happened and Pike had appeared and the irony doesn't escape him that if it wasn't for his insistence on being involved in the case, Lisbon and Pike would never have met. Pike was genuine and kind even if he thought he was a little too dull for Lisbon (not nearly good enough but he didn't really think anybody was, certainly not himself). He could sense a hesitation in her, a small amount of reluctance that he knew had to do with him but he couldn't make himself destroy the happy life she was just starting to build even while he struggled to share her. Like many other things in his life, the situation he was in was of his own making.

But then Cho told him she was leaving and she hadn't told him_. She hadn't told him_. And he was hurt. How could she be leaving in 10 days and not have told him. Something like panic had gripped his insides and he hadn't been able to let it go.

So he made a plan.

He doesn't think about how crazy his plan is, doesn't think about the consequences, he just wants to make her _see_. He wants to show her what she'll be missing but he also wants to take her away someplace, just the two of them, wants to be with her in a beautiful place, in a pretty dress under low lights. Show her without words what she means to him.

But she figures it out (of course she does) because she's Lisbon and she's furious and he knows she only gets that upset with him when she feels something she wants to hide but it doesn't do much to soothe him because she tells him to leave her alone, go away and it's the last thing he wants, but he doesn't know how to fix this so he leaves.

But she leaves too.

Sitting in his room drinking nips from the mini bar isn't what he wants. He doesn't want to be this man, this sad man who doesn't tell the woman he loves that he loves her while he has a chance (he still hasn't learned). Chasing after her at the very last moment isn't what she deserves but he's out of options.

He's positive Abbott knows for sure now, can't bring himself to feel embarrassed by it, because he's giving him the keys and he has to catch her.

He leaves the car at the curb, forgetting his badge. They won't let him through without it and for a moment he's frozen with fear because what if she gets to DC and he hasn't told her. He makes himself move, find another way, any other way. So he hops the fence. His ankle is throbbing and he can feel his heart pounding against his rib cage and he's trying to breathe but he can't let her go without saying something, he just _can't_.

He doesn't even really know what he's going to say (_iloveyou-pleasestaywithme_) doesn't want this to be how he tells her, but he's desperate and the clock is ticking.

He's finally crossed the tarmac to the plane, dragging himself up the stairs and through the door spouting out some nonsense to the flight attendant and suddenly there she is and words just come out and he (finally, _finally_) says he loves her but there's so much he doesn't say like how he's been in love with her for years and was blind enough not to realize it until he was away from her and how she saved him and that she has to stay. She _has_ to, because if he doesn't belong to her then who does he belong to?

She's shaking her head and saying it's too late and he tells her that he understands but he can feel something inside him break and if he were a different man he'd say it was his heart but he's not so he doesn't. Because he wants her to be happy. Even if it's not with him. Even if it's miles and miles away with people he'll never meet and places he'll never go. He means it as much now as he meant it while standing outside her home, holding cannoli meant for the two of them that instead she shared with someone else.

She's crying and he's crying and his hands are in the air and now he can't stop saying it (I love you. I love her. Take care of her.) One weight lifted and another added as they take him away.

A future without her stretches before him as he's escorted off the plane and it makes his gut clench. He knows what it's like to live without a woman he loves, knows even what it's like to live without Lisbon. He's already spent two years without her, he doesn't want to spend any more. He notices the pain in his ankle for the first time since he jumped the fence, a dull ache, and he feels it settle over his whole body.

They seat him in some office where a TSA agent asks him annoying questions that he answers without much thought until he's finally left alone. He hears the door open again but doesn't bother looking to see who it is until they sit in the chair across from him because why would it matter who they got to babysit him until someone (Abbott, probably) came to rescue him.

But it's Lisbon (of course it is) because when in the last decade has she not come to help him when he needed it. She's so beautiful even with red rimmed eyes and she's here, she's not in DC and god he hopes it's because she loves him as much as he loves her (it is). And it's way more then just lucky, it's more then he deserves and he has to kiss her now, has to.

So he does.


End file.
